In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
