Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
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