So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
