I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize
