The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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