Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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