mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
