My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
