I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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