Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize