I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
