I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
