Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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