I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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