my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
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