YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
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