a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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