Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
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