Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Randomize
