If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
