so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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