The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
