I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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