You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
