His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
