And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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