he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
COCAINE IS GR8
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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