Well apparently he's into motor boating.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
