I accidentally had phone sex last night
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
