would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
