It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Randomize
