i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
