Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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