i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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