Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
i will never coherently bang her
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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