My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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