Umm I'm too high to move.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
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