i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
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