I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
