I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
