Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
