he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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