i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
