We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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