why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Randomize
