i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
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