So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
