Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
