just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Randomize
