You're my little dorito
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
