Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
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