And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
pray to the hookup gods
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
