What did we do last night that was yellow?
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
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