Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
