she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
