After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
