I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
