it's too hot outside to masturbate.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
