He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
Randomize
