so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Randomize
