it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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