i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize