I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Randomize
