Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
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