It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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