sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
