My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Randomize
