Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
